Are you bored with the typical Hallmark greeting card? Do you like female breasts? If you answered yes to either of the questions then do I have the service for you! SayItWithBoobs.com (NSFW) allows you to send a pair of boobies along with your well wishes. Why these guys aren’t millionaires yet baffles me.

A New Bedford, MA company has taken pizza to a strange and wonderful new place; the vending machine. “Wonder Pizza” promises to cook 3 varieties of 9″ pizzas in 2 minutes for about $5. Now you too can enjoy vending machine pizza without a microwave. The vending machine itself reportedly took 5 years and $6 million in R&D and is now being distributed “world wide.” A Request for machine locations was not immediately answered.

11 useful tips you can use on your next trip to an all-inclusive resort.

Leave your Levi’s at home – Most resorts offer a myriad of pools, beaches and outdoor dining, ideal for shorts and Hawaiian shirts. Jeans should not even be considered while on vacation.

Thank heaven for little girls – For those of you who are single, resorts are notorious for lax drinking rules. So get some ID before you bring that drunk girl back to your room.

MILF’s – The opposite problem of underage girls, is under-sexed moms. Make sure she’s divorced and the kids are at home before you go there.

Drink in moderation – Just because the booze is flowing like water doesn’t mean you should drink like it is. The booze at resorts is usually sub par and can cause massive hangovers. Drink in moderation or bring a lot of aspirin.

Tip – I know it’s “all-inclusive” but just like in any other service-orientated business, the people working their will treat you better if you tip. Give the barman a few bucks and he’ll watch for you. Give the maid some ones and you’ll get extra chocolates. Stiff everyone and who knows what will be in your next maitai.

Men don’t wear thongs – I don’t care what your trendy Euro-trash magazine tells you, men should not wear Speedos. Just because the fat German guy is doing doesn’t make it ok.

Pace yourself – In most cases, you’re going to be on vacation for at least a week and generally awake for at least 15 hours a day. Pace yourself. If you start pounding Jamaican rum at 9am, don’t be surprised if you’re passed out by noon.

Sunscreen – You may not feel manly putting on SPF 30 by the pool, but the proper precautions can prevent a catastrophically burnt vacation goer.

Bring your own cup – All you can drink is true no matter what size cup you drink out of. If you like to drink, bring your own cup to avoid frequent returns to the bar. I recommend the 36oz BubbaKeg.

All you can eat – All you can eat means just that. If you can’t decide between the salmon and the rib eye, order both.

Bring your medicine cabinet with you – Over indulgence often has consequences. Be sure to bring the essentials: Aspirin, Pepto, sinus medicine, horse tranquilizers, etc…

Only the Brits could get away with an exhibit like this. 8 humans (3 male, 5 female) are on display in a zoo in London. Wearing bathing suits that resemble fig leaves, the “animals” are housed within the ape display separated only by a invisible electric fence. How do you explain to your child when these animals start “attacking” each other?

A Japanese company is marketing a non-alcoholic beer to children. Kidsbeer maker, Tomomasu Co began shipping the beverage in 2003 and claims monthly consumption around 75,000 bottles. I remember buying candy cigarettes as a kid, and IBC root beer no doubt sells more soda because of their beer-like bottles. So why not take the next step and sell non-alcoholic beer to kids. I hope that they at least added some flavor to the drink, since every non-alcoholic beer I’ve ever tried tasted like carbonated urine.

This game is incredibly addictive. Basically, you throw a ball of paper into a waste basket while adjusting for wind and direction from a fan. Sound boring? Well it’s not!

Our score to beat: 30.

The meteoric rise of Justen Case to mascot fame began in his Southern California hometown of Canoga Park. Driven by the VHS explosion, the San Fernando Valley’s economic engine depended on the adult film industry. As a single parent, Justen’s father Dirk spent little time at home while perfecting the adult film genre known as “Furries.” An impressionable Justen was exposed to this odd sexual fetish. Not fully understanding the implications, he began to create his own “furry” mascot costumes.While attending a Padres game, Justen found inspiration in his future mentor – the San Diego Chicken. He worked day and night for a week to create the Golden Beaver, the new mascot of his high school basketball team. Under the tutelage of the San Diego chicken (a close friend of Justen’s father), Justen mascotted his team to 4 consecutive state championships.

San Diego Chicken: “The kid was naturally talented. And in exchange for a part in ‘Furries do Dallas,’ I promised his father that I would help him become the world’s greatest mascot. I had no idea what fame would do to him.”

Justen’s success in high school did not go unnoticed leading to offers from colleges, pro sports and huge corporations looking to boost their mascot talent.

One offer stood out from the rest – Konami asked him to headline their latest basketball simulator, “Double Dribble”. At 21 years old, Justen Case became the Los Angeles “Blue Lake.”

Justen was flying high – the women, the parties, offers from NES rival EA Sports to work as a sideline reporter in their new “Lakers vs. Celtics” title – he had it all. Unfortunately Justen, unaccustomed to this new found fame, got caught up in the hype.

Mario Mario: (Ceo of Nintendo Entertainment Systems and star of the “Super Mario Bros.” Series) “In the early days of the NES we were all on the same team trying to get it going. Justen became a PR person’s nightmare, getting in bar fights, doing lines off of the cheerleaders from Tecmo Bowl and generally causing a lot of headaches for Nintendo.“

Don Flemenco: “The NES was getting {expletive deleted} huge and we were all riding the gravy train. That {expletive deleted} mascot brought heat from Congress and Tipper Gore. He {expletive deleted} it up for everyone! “

Justen hit an all time low on July 5, 1988 when he got into an acid induced altercation with Public Enemy rapper Flavor Flav at a trendy Manhattan night club.

Flavor Flav: “That bitch comes walkin’ into the club like Rick James sportin’ his little “Blue Lake” costume. The hoes I was with ditches me and runs over to him. You see cause he can’t go nowhere without that damn costume, less nobody knows who he is. So he comes up to me and starts dissin on my time piece neckwear. This punk in a blue blob costume, so I cold cocked him in the back of the head and he went down hard. Mother {expletive deleted} deserved it.”

Nothing was the same after that night. In an attempt to quietly remove Justen from the public eye, Nintendo released an onslaught of basketball simulators and eventually drowned “Double Dribble” out of the market. By the time Nintendo was done, Case was mascot poison and nobody would touch him. Jobless, homeless and single, Case moved back in with his father, took over the family business and started his own genre of adult films called, “Celebrity Mascots Gone Wild.” He did not immediately return Manroom Magazine’s request for an interview, but in an email reply he simply stated, “I’ve moved on from that life, stop {expletive deleted} calling me.”

Here’s the Modern Drunkard’s guide to drinking, an 86 rule list that should get you through any drinking situation. Here’s some highlights:

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

45. It’s okay to drink alone.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

You can buy yourself a poster of the full list too.

Our friends over at BeerAdvocate.com posted a great tutorial for the non-beer geek on how to objectively review a beer. The article breaks beer reviews into 5 categories; appearance, smell, taste, mouthfeel and drinkability and warns against reviewing beer types that you are already prediposed to dislike. There’s also obvious tips like tasting in a smoke-free environment, drink from a clean glass and most important of all, don’t review while intoxicated. “Your judgment will be clouded, as will your senses.” Most people will drink anything when their drunk… enough said.

Paris Hilton stars in this Saturday Night Live sketch featuring the operators of a nerd phone sex line. If you get turned on by hot vulcan babes or Lt. Uhura then you should check this video out.